The LBDDiaries.com Blog

(I am going to be posting a few posts from my now defunct website, joy-café for the next few posts.)

I always thought I’d live this grand, huge, bigger-than-life life; one full of adventure, thrills, and amazing romance. I wanted to travel again.  Being an army brat, we moved every 1-2 years since I was born until my sophomore year in high school.  I didn’t like living in one place very long – I wanted to explore!  I wanted to try different careers.  I wanted to go anywhere I wanted to at the drop of a hat.  I wanted to LIVE BIG.

I managed to live BIG (in my eyes) until the day I became a single parent at 28.  My world became a little narrower then.  At first, before he was born, I thought, “Well, I’ll get my real life back when he’s 18 and leaves home.”  I wasn’t thinking with any reality-based information, that’s for sure.  

Then it happened.  While pregnant came that first time when he kicked.  And I knew.  The awe of that moment changed everything and I knew I was getting ready to experience something I could never have imagined until it became reality.

When I met my son in person, there was nothing else to see from that point on.  My world narrowed down so pinpoint small, there was only the wonder of this baby.  There was no more desire to live the way I used to – selfish, self-centered, me-me-me.  I discovered that this narrow little world was an amazing and wonderful place to live.  

I would have missed a true miracle if I had not sidetracked into this world with this boy.  Just the marvel of this little being discovering everything fresh and new in his world, and being able to look through his eyes at it, is something I will forever be grateful to God for.  Well, maybe not the spiders, worms and bugs part.  But still.

After awhile, we expanded our world by meeting and marrying a knight in shining armor.  That changed the entire family dynamic in our little world.  It developed into fresh learning experiences and crisp new joys.  Watching as a child adapted to his heart’s desire – a daddy – was another time in my life’s history I will thank God for forever.  You can actually feel your heart melt.

Soon, life changed in 2001 as the child grew up, graduated, moved out, and developed his own life of living BIG.  My world expanded a little more with newer freedoms and a new privacy with a knight I’d never truly been alone with until then.  Life was even better.  Boy, was it!  We were getting to live bigger & bigger!

Mom had a light stroke in 1999.  Then my dad died in 2004.  As time passed by, my world became narrower and smaller.  Mom became even more dependent on me and soon incapable of living without a bit of help. 

I live in a very small world now.  This world consists of a small town, a small job, a small circle of friends, and a small life.  Every decision I make has to be worked out with my mom in mind.  Vacation?  Make sure she has someone available to help her.  Go to town?  Make sure she doesn’t need anything from the grocery store.  Bills?  Write them out so she can sign the checks.  (She did reach the point I couldn’t go on vacation; she couldn’t make coffee or cook, bathe, or the basic things… they slipped out of her grasp one by one.)

But you know what?  I’m grateful I have learned to develop a different relationship with mom.  It may not be the same one we used to have, but I enjoy her and treasure the time we have together since I know that this time is coming to an end someday soon.  Each day is valuable and precious, even if there are times of frustration.  She adapted to living without dad and I adapted to living with a mom who is no longer that strong, independent woman she was.

And I learned that the same amazing and life altering first thing that changed my so-called BIG life, becoming a parent, is now helping me enjoy my so-called smaller life.  Because of his relationship with his gram, that son helps me with her.  They have their own special world where he is not only grandson, he is taxi driver, house cleaner, gardener, bill payer, lawn care pro, and chief cook and bottle washer.  Unconditional love at its most powerful.  (He eventually became her full time caretaker, with the exception of the personal things I had to take care of.) 

I have this huge life, really, because love is huge.  It may look small to the outside world, but my life is amazing.  I have the love of my best friend and knight in shining armor, Alpha Hubby.  Who knew I’d find a perfect and a true love in a small town?  I have a few true friends and I have Joshua.  Joshua, the child I could not imagine a life without.  Joshua, who champions his gram, is developing his own knightly character.

Because of the love of a child for his gram, I have seen a love that is indescribable.  It is pure and it is real.  It is protective and it is hard-working.  I am so proud of him.

You know what?  What I thought of before as a BIG life, wasn’t.  How could it have been a BIG life if I had never even experienced real love and seen true unconditional love in action through both Alpha Hubby and son?

Live every day joyously.  No matter how big or how little you think your world is, it is important to celebrate where you are, right now.  LIVE TO THE FULLEST, LIVE BIG, EVERY DAY!

And p.s. – Alpha Hubby and I are now living a bigger life, getting into new and wonderful adventures.  We are a little more free to travel (those cows need someone to feed).  We are walking in new dreams and having different kinds of fun.  But I will forever take with me the lessons learned when I felt my life was so small.

What A Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong

Copyright © 2008 Nan C Loyd
All rights reserved. .

As you may know (obviously), I’ve now been married 17 years 8 days.  And I’m here to tell you, those 17 years 8 days have been:

Phew.  When I think of my life with Alpha Hubby these past years, I can honestly say that there is a place a couple can “live” that makes an ordinary marriage pale in comparison.  It is beyond my wildest dreams and imaginings.  Most hope for, but few discover, this place we have worked hard to reach.  I am a blessed woman.  Then again, I waited 12+ years for this Knight so I sure didn’t want to miss out on the fun, romance, hot, hot, hot… that is why we work hard to keep this marriage grounded in what drew us together – true love.

Alpha Hubby is a haven for me.  He offered me sanctuary in his arms 17 years 8 days ago and I took it.  Nobody did it better.  Heck, no one had ever been a sanctuary for me, much less loved me like he does.  I’ve never looked back, not one time. 

In his love, my heart is I not only safe, protected; I am known and understood in a way no one else on earth has accomplished.  He is a total man and makes no apologies that he wants to take care of and protect me and our family.  He is very old fashioned and I’m here to tell you – phew, baby!  And don’t get on a high horse either ’cause he was drawn (and still is) to my abilities, independence, and strength.  In truth, it takes a strong woman to “handle” a strong, tendency-to-dominate man.

There is something special about a man who gives unconditional love.  He amazes me with the simplicity of it.  He just flat out loves me.  One of his favorite lines to me is, “I’m not that deep.”  This is usually in answer to some wild hair I’d get thinking he might be thinking I’m thinking he’s thinking something bad about me.  You know, one of those “we think too much” thoughts we women can get into sometimes.  Those thoughts that lead us to imagine our guy is spending the same amount of time thinking about the same thing – and no, men aren’t really made that way (haha, baby).

I digress.  After I quit smoking and got sloppy watching my weight, thinking I’d never gain simply because I didn’t smoke any more – ha! – I began the journey back into my Little Black Dresses.  I have about 15 of them in various sizes.  I will get into the Size 9 by December (yes it is sparkley!).   It is going to take more serious effort than I’ve actually put in since I began this blog – been doing a lot of research, learning and talking, not doing.     

One reason I am sticking to this journey and NOT giving up is Alpha Hubby.  He is a man beyond what I ever dreamed of meeting and loving.  He’s been an amazing support in any endeavor I’ve tackled and believes in me so strongly, I sometimes think he is blinded by bias.  He has never made me feel fat (altho I am) but I know deep down in his secret heart, he’d like to have back the woman he married.  He’s done that for me, worked at being the best he can be for me. 

I am learning to eat to live, not live to eat.  Every time I break a sweat (and I HATE to sweat), I do it for him (since I obviously wasn’t going to do it for myself).  I found some old pictures of myself at goal weight that I’m keeping before my eyes to remind me where I’m headed.  I can do this.  I can, I can, I can.

I can’t wait until I can wear a bathing suit again.  And I am not going to say the politically correct things people are supposed to say when they give their reasons for losing weight.  I am losing weight to make hubby proud of how I look. 

When I get on the other side, look out!   And yes, I know that I have to be doing this for ME in order for it to really work.  But when I do it for him, I am doing it for me, too.  Sometimes there is nothing more hot that slammin’ up against the wall… **x (I’m sorry, I had to remove the real word because all of a sudden I was getting all sorts of porn spam).  What? You don’t know married people do that?  Well we do.  It’s not just in the movies, y’all! 

It is so much easier if he can lift me, knowwhatImean?  No?  TMI?  Oops, sorry.  Then ignore these last few sentences.  But if we are going to be honest here, we know excess weight affects that area in so many ways, not just physical (how about FEELING good about yourself half-nekkid?).

We are one and by golly, half of us needs to look and be a little less bulky!

“Cause baby?  You ARE the best and nobody does it better… and all that that implies.

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Pamela over at Road to Joy, has posted her Non-White Diet and that post and the comments are chock full of great information – go check her out!

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Nobody Does It Better, Carly Simon

(I’m working on shutting down my other website/blog and bringing the files and posts to this blog & corresponding website.  I am using a few of those posts here until I’m done unpacking and reorganizing my house and website!)

What’s in a name?

My name is not unique.  It was heartbreaking when I was younger to learn that my name came from a can of vegetables.  Apparently, there used to be a brand called Nancy Lee.  Isn’t that just sad?  I wanted to be named some exotic non-ordinary name.  My pregnant mom wanders through a grocery store and finds my future name on a can of green beans in the vegetable aisle?!

When I was a sophomore in high school, we again moved to a new town.  I had a chance to reinvent myself.  Our class had several “Nancy’s” in it, so when it came to signing up in each class, I cut off the “cy” and became “Nan.”  That was many moon’s ago – more than I’m going to share with you, nosy.  Needless to say, I’ve been a Nan longer than I was ever a can of vegetables… errr – Nancy.

I’ve been Nan so long, I don’t even recognize myself as a Nancy and if I were walking down the street and someone hollered out “Hey Nancy” I’d never realize they were talking to me.  It sounds too foreign – even the IRS sent my forms each year to Nan.  My inner name is Nan no matter what people call me on the outside.  It is ingrained to the point that no one can take it away from me.

So what actually is in a name?  Our identity.  The name we are comfortable with is what is important and no one can take it away from us, even if they refuse to call us by our name.  Even more important is that who we are is tied up in our inner name.

It’s like when someone called my son stupid in elementary school.  He’d come home, full of indignation and said, “MOM! So-in-so called me stupid!”  I’d say, “Well, are you stupid?” “Well, nooo,” he’d reply, “NO, I am not stupid.”  So then I say (isn’t this fun?), “Well I guess that makes so-in-so a liar, huh!  And we never believe what liars say, right?”  Light bulb!  “Ohhh, right!,” he’d reply, then go on his merry way, satisfied.

So what are you calling yourself?  (well, you knew there was a point to this post, right?) 

Is your inner voice calling you… stupid?  A failure?  disorganized?  overweight?   slow?  depressed?  stressed?  fat?  dumb?  poor?  ugly?  incapable?  a mess?  You are the only one who can change your name, inside and out, just as I did in waaaay back in high school.

Sure, you may have to fight others to make them accept your new name, but you can do it – and you can ignore them! 

It is a fact that we become what we believe inside and what we call ourselves, inside and out.  When you are talking to yourself (what? I’m the only one??)… when we are talking to ourselves, what do we say?  We mess up something and we say “Oh ______” - what?  What do you say?  “Oh you dummy?”  “Man, you are so stupid!”  “What a screw up?”  “I must be losing my mind?”  “I can’t ever do this right!”  “I’m never going to lose this weight!”  “Nothing ever works for me.”  “I am SUCH a loser!”

Our inner voice is far stronger than we know and believe.  No matter what someone calls us on the outside, our inner voice is the one we really believe.  Trust me.  When Alpha Hubby used to say, “You look beautiful” I’d make this raspberry sound, because really?  My inner voice knew I didn’t look beautiful.  It frustrated him to no end.  To him I was beautiful and he didn’t like that I didn’t believe him.  But even if I did look beautiful, my inner voice said, “Nah, look at that or look at this” – something that made me feel ugly.  Zit, wrinkle, pudge, high forehead – whatever.

I think we should make a decision that from today forward, we are going to work on this.  We are going to begin by making a determination to only call ourselves positive names – ones we need to believe – ones we want to be.  It takes practice.  It takes tuning our ear to hearing what we really say about ourselves.

HI!  My name is Nan.  My name is also organized.  My name is healthy and fit.  My name is thankful.  My name is joyful.  My name is disciplined.  My name is wealthy.  My name is successful.  My name is complete!  My name is “wow am I an excellent organized disciplined amazing housekeeper!!” (Ha! Hahaha)…. ok I’ll have to work on that one.

JOY is becoming the best you can be – and it starts right there, inside you!

*What’s Your Name, Don and Juan
A Boy Named Sue, Johnny Cash

The other day I was thinking about smoking hot sex.  Why, you ask?  Well – if you have to ask….

Just kidding.

Here’s da thang – Alpha Hubby and I have been married almost 17 years (shy 38 days) and our sex life is more smoking hot than ever.  Oh quit acting like I’m talking like a porno queen.  Married couples have smoking hot sex lives.  I know single people want to believe that the only way to have smoking hot sex is as a single person but that just ain’t so, Joe!!  I have a news flash for you – according to ALL the research I’ve read, married people have hotter sex and more of it.  Committed sex is far better.

So why am I talking about it?  Well, I’m not, really.  What I want to talk about is WHY we have smoking hot sex.  Oh stop that – I’m not talking private details.  I’m talking about remembering how it felt when you first dated and what was so wonderful about him – what made you run to answer the phone call from him.   And no, it wasn’t asthma; he really did make it hard to catch your breath because you were so infatuated with him!  I’m talking respect, honor and zipped lips. 

When I was single, I remember being at work during lunch breaks.  I used to listen to the married women talk about their husbands.  The things they said should have been left unsaid because they were private things.  They’d get off on things like what babies they were when they were sick.  I don’t think they realize how “I am so superior” they sound and it isn’t attractive (or true).

For some reason, women believe that when they get together with their girlfriends or female co-workers, it’s perfectly OK to bash their husbands or boyfriends.  It’s this “us women” against “them” thing and I, for one, HATE IT WITH A PASSION.  No woman is more important to me than my husband.

I’ve learned a really good lesson listening to these women.  It is not OK to bash, disrespect or otherwise ‘dis our man when we are with our girlfriends.  When we bash the man in our life, we cut off the smoking hot sex life cause you can’t have smoking hot sex with someone we disrespect.  Gossip vs. smoking hot sex, gossip vs. smoking hot sex.  No contest, baby!  It’s the smoking hot sex life I‘m sticking with!

Alpha Huby and I married at 40 so I didn’t want to end up with a boring marriage after waiting for him for so long (12+ years)!  During our first few months of marriage, we had many conversations about romance, passion and smoking hot sex.

We made a promise to one another that we would never fall into the bad habit of being roommates and we’d keep the honeymoon going for all our lives.  I know in the thrall of newlywed bliss most married couples think they will do this – but few actually do.  It takes work and most people get lazy about protecting their marriages.

Alpha Hubby and I had to learn the ways to keep the focus on one another and not everyone else or everything else.  We honor and respect one another.  I can tell you that in almost 17 years of marriage – 5,894 days – I have not one time spoken badly of Alpha Hubby to another person on this earth, ever.  I have never exposed what may be considered weaknesses.  He has done the same thing for me. 

He’s too valuable and precious to me as I am to him – and I want to keep it that way.

And… the smoking hot sex ain’t so bad, either!!!  I swear!*

*I Swear, song sung by John Michael Montgomery

(Revamped from post from last year. I didn’t delete comments from back then; feel free to post new ones! Please? Pretty Please?  Oh, don’t make me beg; that’s just so rude!  And not a pretty sight, either!)

They say inside every fat woman is a skinny woman screaming to get out.  I say slap that skinny skank.  NO!  I don’t say that.  Where DID that come from?  I’m so sorry! I just don’t know what came over me, bless my heart!

I wish! No, I aim for!

OK – I think her voice – that poor skinny woman – isn’t loud enough.  It’s muffled by… can I say it?  Fat.  Flab.  Excess.  Obesity.  Corpulence.

I say our outer fat woman is louder – oooo, notice how BRAVELY I use that F-bomb?  But didn’t it make you cringe for a minute?  This F-bomb is far worse than that other one people use so freely now days, although I think using it indicates a certain lack of intelligence.  My mom used to say, “Anyone can curse; yet it only takes a modicum of intelligence to come up with a better word.”  

*Ahem* Be that as it may, both F-bombs make most people cringe but this one is somehow forbidden to be used in reference to certain… umm shall we say hefty-portion-sized women? 

People want to prettify it with words such as “overweight” “plus size” “fleshy” “oversupply” or “pleasingly plump” (what kind of sick perverted person came up with THAT one?) - any number of words that cover up what we all know when we look in the mirror.  That is fat we’re lookin’ at (hey, it rhymes!).  That is FAT… we’re lookin’ AT!  Oh, stop me now!

I started this blog because I wanted to chronicle my journey back into my Little Black Dress.  Somewhere along the line of my life in the past 10 years, I began gaining weight.  It began to creep on while I wasn’t looking – okay, okay, I was OBVIOUSLY eating.

 (No, no, not me, Istockphoto.com) 

It’s been quite a journey because while I’ve only lost about 15 pounds, I learned a LOT about myself.  Inner wisdom, whoo hoo.  I’d much rather have had outer weight loss, but there it is.  The crux of my problem – I talky more than I walky.  I don’t walk the walk.  I talk the walk.  Or research the walk.  Or think about the walk.  Or debate the walk.  Or tiptoe around the walk.  Anything but walk the walk.  But that’s a blog for another day.

I realized this journey will never be successful until my insides are taken care of!  No, I don’t mean probiotics and healthy stomach activity.  I mean that without dealing with what causes the overeating or mental block to exercising, I can possibly lose fake weight but the promise of it coming back is always there.  Looming over my head.  Hiding and waiting to pounce out when I least expect it or until I try on a pair of jeans that won’t… gasp …button.  AGAIN!

Fake weight loss – losing pounds without ever dealing with the cause of the pounds.

I think any journey to bettering yourself requires an inner knowledge of who – whom? one is.  In other words, I have to be totally honest with myself about why I won’t eat right or drink enough water or exercise or seemingly CARE that I’ve gained this much weight.  I mean, I used to be “Mz. Exercise Freak and No-Way is an Ounce of Fat Going to Touch This Bod.  Nevah!”  Yah, I know.  Hard to believe.

Oui c’est moi!

For an overweight person, honesty is not always easy.  I don’t mean honesty as in, “You are a loser. You are a fat pig. You are lazy. You are ugly. You are never going to get the victory.  You eat because you are a undisciplined cow! You may as well give up.”

I mean honesty as in, “OK, WHY do you eat that when you know it will make you feel like you have the flu tomorrow morning?”  “What causes you to take a left away from the exercise machine instead of a right into the room where Richard Simmons is waiting to dance that flab right off you?” 

I think if society allowed people to BE honest about being fat without crucifying them, it would go a long way to helping with that inner honesty. Until one can stand up and say, “I am FAT but I am working on it” without people grimacing or gagging or acting like the fat person is missing a few brain cells and stupider than dirt because they are fat… whew I sure am throwing that F-Bomb around, aren’t I!

Again not me; gotta love Istockphoto.com

Anyway, until fat people are allowed to deal with being fat without being stigmatized, FAT will be an F-Bomb. And as long as it is an F-Bomb, it will be hard for people to be honest with themselves. And if they are not honest with themselves, they’ll forever be hiding behind the F-Bomb.  Say that fast three times.

If a drug addicted person got up and said, “I am a druggie but I am getting clean” people ooooo and ahhhhh and pat the person on the back.  If a food addicted person (altho that is a simplistic view), gets up and says, “I am fat but I am working on that” people look away or cringe or think, “How did she let herself go like that? How gross!”

 (Also not me  but check out those dirty feet!)

OK – deep breath. Step down off the soapbox. This was insight into the inner workings of a woman who is using this blog as an excuse not to do her aerobics.  Heh heh heh.  OK, ya caught me.  I guess I’d better go exercise now.  But know this, I may be exercising on the outside but I’m blogging on the inside!!

(Older post from my other website Joy-Cafe archives & is about our previous home; I’m working on #1 goal to get totally unpacked by the end of January. I’ll be back with live content when I have time!)

Marriage is a wonderful thing.  Two separate people with two separate personalities, meshing together to enjoy life as a team!  Both have areas of strength and weakness.  Hopefully, they balance one another.  You know what I mean, like where you are weak, he is strong and visa versa.  Not that you are ever weak!

So Alpha Hubby says I have issues with cupboard doors.  I tend to disagree with him.  I don’t think I have issues.  I think he’s just a wee bit.. oh, what’s the word?  Oh yeah, anal, ya know?  So this morning, I was writing in my journal and thought about how he’s always asking, “Can’t you just shut the cupboard doors when you’re through?”  I thought to myself, “I don’t have a problem; I wonder why he thinks I do?”

Then I got up from my chair, turned around to leave the room and lo and behold, right behind me, this is the sight that greeted my eyes:

Then I glanced over to the the right side and saw this:

Then wandered into the kitchen and saw this, AND I did this ALL before 8:00 in the morning.  I just hate when he is rii… riigh… grrr.  I’m not gonna say it.  He’s not totally inaccurate in his probable hypothesis that I may or may not have certain traits that could or could not be construed as… *ahem* …issues.

DON’T TELL ALPHA HUBBY, but I think I may have issues with cupboard doors!  I have no idea why I get in such a focused hurry that I can’t reach up (or down) and shut the door before going to do whatever it was I was going to do after getting in the cupboard in the first place.  Say that fast three times!

BUT, I think it is that area of weakness that builds on a strength he has.  You know – I leave the doors open and he shuts them – not because he’s anal and wants them shut.  Not because I’m spacey and leave them open.  It is because I want him to know he is loved. 

Yes, it is true!!  It is the ultimate sacrifice of love on my part!  Is is an unconditional love so pure that I give to my baby because I love him.  I leave the cupboard doors open, he goes around shutting them, and thus feels loved and needed.  

Hey!  I wasn’t a psychology major for nuttin’ ya know!

Every husband needs to know that his wife loves and needs him, right?  Right???

I do love him and need him.  I really need him to shut to doors since obviously I can’t!

And if you believe that one…..

(Older post from my other website Joy-Cafe.com archives; I’m working on #1 goal to get totally unpacked by the end of January. I’ll be back with live content when I have time!)

There are so many things we take for granted.  The sad truth is that with most of them, we don’t even know we are taking them for granted.

Take the internet.  Sure, some of us will admit we are slightly addicted.  We just don’t know how bad it is until we can’t get onto the internet exactly when we want to.

The other day we had thunderstorms all day long.  My connection to the internet was intermittent.  I spent some time working on an email note and when it was time to send it, there was no connection.  My USB light was blinking which means death to the nice long note – because I hadn’t saved it or sent it to draft.  I know lost it because I saw that dreaded “page not found.” UGH.

This morning Alpha Hubby woke me up before he left for work to tell me there was NO water.  This means that somewhere along the water line, there was a leak.  No water!  I needed to wash my hair.  I needed to make coffee.  I needed… oh so many things.  It is so amazing what you realize you do with water when you don’t have any.  Laundry, coffee, dishes, flushing, drinking, and most important of all, brushing teeth!

And as much as Alpha Hubby mocks me for this, I did have water.  I always keep 3-4 gallons (in bottles) on hand for moments just like this one.  He pokes at me because he wants to make sure I don’t go back to being a packrat – that person who has cases of toilet paper and paper towels, and huge stashes of emergency supplies “just in case we need them.”

I’m not that bad anymore but I NEVER take toilet paper for granted.  Trust me.  There were times in the past when napkins and tissue were put in use and I always swore, shaking my fist at the toilet… um, in the air…  ”As God is my witness, as God is my witness… I’ll never be without real toilet paper again!  No, nor any of my folk.  If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill.  As God is my witness, I’ll never be without toilet paper again!”** 

*Ahem*  Shades of Scarlet O’Hara!  No, I don’t keep cases on hand (but mom did and she didn’t live far from me!), but I always have a pack or two so that I am never without again.  Ever.

So anyway, taking things for granted – the worst thing we take for granted is our loved ones.  We often treat others better than we do our own family members.  It’s like, because we are in the same family, they should put up with our rudeness while we are unfailingly polite to total strangers.

Our loved ones are to be more valuable and precious to us than anyone else on the face of this earth.  We should look at them and always remember what it is we love about them – AND like.

We should protect them by never talking badly about them.  We should praise them both in public and to their faces.  We should value them as something worth taking care of – far more than we do our houses or cars!

We do live in a wonderful world.  There is so much around us that we should value and appreciate.  There are things you’d really miss if they were gone.  Don’t take them for granted!

Try to think of five things today that you take for granted – then remind yourself why you are grateful about it.  Or how about electricity?  Imagine having to use kerosene lamps again.  Toothpaste or deodorant?  Think how awful it would be in this world without them!  Your dog?  Your car?  Refrigerator?  Running water?  A person?  Then tell them how much you appreciate them. 

Baby?  THANK YOU for loving me!

**Quote from Gone With the Wind, paraphrased

Song: Smokey Robinson “I Love Your Face“

They say to write well, it is important to write about what you know best.  To be true to yourself.  To stay within certain boundaries in order to create writing that is succinct and clear.  I think sometimes we struggle because we really don’t know our voice at all, because inside we aren’t sure who we are anymore. 

Then along comes a thought, “I used to be her!”

You know that time right before you really wake up when you have this really brilliant thought?  But if you don’t write it down, you’ll lose it?  And it will bug you the rest of the day because you know it was THE #1 most amazing thought you’ve ever had?? 

Sometimes at that near-awake moment, I have great one-liners or words running through my head. Sometimes those thoughts are something I end up fashioning into a perfect post or article.  Sometimes it is just a thought like an answer to a question I’d had the evening before.  Then sometimes it is something deep inside me, trying to get out.

No, not like that guy in Alien.

The other morning I awoke to the thought, “I used to be a bohemian-pseudo hippy-type free flowing person.  Where did that person go?  I used to be her!”

I say pseudo because, by definition of the time I lived in back then, most of hippies I knew were “oh wow man, that’s some mellow stuff man and I’m so hungry and wow do you think that cop knows what’s in the baggie I have under the seat?  Oh man, oh man, I bet he does.  Bummer, what am I gonna do??  Huh? What? Oh wow. This is some mellow stuff. I’m so hungry” and running around half naked, skinny dipping, sleeping with any human that was willing, calling it Free Love. 

I wasn’t quite THAT free.  Note for later post: nothing is free and that sure wasn’t.  There were repercussions.  I wasn’t free at all.  And I didn’t inhale or exhale!  *Really*  Therefore, I wasn’t a genuine hippy.  And no, for your information I was too uptight to skinny dip.  At least in a group.

Anyway, what I did mean was that I was so relaxed and in love with life.  I wasn’t afraid of anything!  I just knew nothing was impossible and great things were in store for me every day!  I believed the best was in everyone I met (I didn’t say I was smart).  I couldn’t wait to wake up and discover what was going to happen each day.  I wore the flowing dresses, twirling around in the fields of crimson and clover and flowers, writing poetry I still understand 30 years later – those words instantly taking me back to that exact moment I penned them.

I was an artist painting with my watercolors every brilliant thing that struck my fancy; listening to music that I had NO idea what the lyrics meant.  Actually then I was more into Otis Redding than Rolling Stones – mellow grooves, soul or R&B.  I was so glad to get out from under the strict thumb of my parents that I went breathlessly nuts with freedom.

So where did that person go?  How did she get to be this person who is struggling with excess weight and not quite as confident as she used to be?  How did she turn into me?  I want to find her!

I do! I want to find her and get back the best of her attributes from that time.  I want to go twirling in that field of flowers again!  I just happen to have some in front of my house – no, not the one with cows and cow patties in it; that would just ruin a real twirl.  The other one.  Maybe it’s too cold outside right now but I can find that person again, who wasn’t afraid of anything.  Except stepping in cow patties.

I know a lot of my issues stemmed from things that happened in my past – bad things done or said to me.  I developed a lot of fears, scars and baggage that slowly ate away at my confidence.  So many of us have had this happen.  Sometimes it only takes a few negative words from someone whose opinion we really valued to eat at our confidence until we lose our self and who we thought we were.  Sometimes there has been violence that’s hard to get over.  And while humans are resilient, sometimes it takes awhile.

I was still skittish when I met Alpha Hubby.  Even after all the years that had gone by, I still flinched if he raised his hand in an expressive movement while talking.  I jested in the About Me that I was waiting for him to turn into the psycho axe-murdering killer I knew he could secretly be, but really?  I was waiting for him to turn.  And what did he do?  He just kept loving me.  Just kept believing in me.  Just kept telling me I was amazing and my dreams were valid.  Just kept putting his palm on my cheek and telling me that he could feel my love for him.

He kept loving my stories, stole my artwork, fell in love with my singing.  He waited while I worked through deep seated fear issues (it’s nice to be able to sit in the passenger seat peacefully).  He never got impatient with me.  He kissed my tears away when I had a nightmare.  He helped me work through my daymares and trust issues.  He just kept loving and loving and loving and loving me.  He still loves that strongly to this day.

I truly believe God sent him to help me put me back together again, only better because I have his true and real love.  And that’s why I write so much about him and his incredible love.  Because it is what I know best.

He has helped me heal.  He has helped me discover who I can be when there is unconditional love.  He has helped me change the view I had inside me, how I saw myself.  He has been there, rock solid in his love for me no matter what.  I know that even after all this time I still have a few little tiny issues it is time to deal with.  But I know with his amazing love, I am going to keep working on finding the parts of that woman who are still missing, and I will get her back.  I will be brave.  I will not fear.  I will be a bold as I was when I was in my 20’s.  I will dance and twirl in that field of flowers.  Only this time I won’t be alone!

This song says it all – he has a way.  Lyrics HERE.