(This is part of an on-going series Momma’s Soapbox and I are doing on Keeping Our Inner Aloha/Peaceful Life. See here for the Aloha lowdown and here for the Peaceful Life reason!)
So Steph and I made the decision to keep, as she says, our inner Aloha – to become Better Me’s and improve our lives in every area. To me, one of the MOST important areas to keep that Aloha in is intimacy. If you are offended by talking about SEX, you need to stop reading today’s posting and come back another day.
When Alpha Hubby and I met and married (7 weeks later thankyouverymuch and yes, there is a miracle story there), we were not, oh, how do I say this, in our teens… or twenties… or – ENOUGH already – it’s none of your beeswax. Suffice it to say, we were smart enough to say: “Let’s not lose this – that honeymoon feeling.” We’ve done pretty darn good, too!
I am a voracious reader and researcher. One of the most important things I learned is that men and women see intimacy and security differently. Most women tend to feel secure when the money issues and home issues are in line. When we know bills are taken care of and there’s enough, we feel safe. (Especially when the phones aren’t ringing with bill collectors calling!!)
They (whoever those so-called experts are) also talk about “nesting” – creating a safe place, a home where she can feel secure. No, I don’t mean being “Mz. Housewife” so much as that feeling of security that she has a safe harbor to come home to.
Men – I’ve learned not just by talking to Alpha Hubby but also other areas of research – men have a security in and because of sex. The intimacy, the act itself, the knowing that she trusts him, needs him, wants him. When his woman is his cheerleader and thinks he’s “all that” he feels secure. And trust me, a man knows when his woman doesn’t think he’s “all that” and that is a dangerous place to get to. More women send their men totally unprotected, out the door into the world full of piranha women who’d love to steal him away.
As women, we need to understand there is far more to the sex act (and yes I know we like to call it “making love” – it’s just easier to say sex act while typing) – anyway, we need to understand there are far more ramifications behind that act than simply the physical act of sex. If we understood its importance in and to our husband’s security, we’d protect that area far more than we do somethimes.
We should NEVER allow our men to reach a point where it has been awhile that they’ve been… umm… without. You’re messing with his security and your intimacy. When a man feels secure, the entire machine of marriage runs much more smoothly. When he doesn’t? That separateness happens. Other things become more important than the two of you – his work, buds, car, boat, television, yardwork, whatever – anything but you.
This picture – THIS is marriage. Sure kids come into the marriage, run through it and out the other side someday but THIS is what you are supposed to be protecting. When THIS is in order, everything else falls into place. When THIS is protected, when the kids grow up and leave the nest, you will have things to celebrate, not sit and stare at one another wondering who that person is that you’re living with.
I’m going to leave you now. I need to call Alpha Hubby and seduce him verbally – let him know we have a hot date tonight, even if it is only in the pool! I need to get some things in order and prepare, set the atmosphere, do my thing!
That is one Peaceful Tip – intimacy takes a lot of work and preparation and planning. It requires focus and the determination never to let it drop. People, women especially, tend to think if it’s not spontaneous – sweep me off my feet big boy – it’s not romantic. THAT gets more couples in trouble than anything.
Spontaneous might be good but it’s often rare and I guarantee you, it’s not as good as a planned seduction is. Anchor yourself in the real world and plan rendezvous, and never, ever, ever, ever, ever skip that date night (if that’s what you do). Most of all, have fun with it – laugh, dance together, sing to one another, and remember what it is about him that caused you to fall in love!
Copyright © 2010 Nan C Loyd
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